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In this inspiring book, Harvard-trained child and adult psychiatrist and expert in human motivation Dr. Shimi Kang provides a guide to the art and science of inspiring children to develop their own internal drive and a lifelong love of learning. Drawing on the latest neuroscience and behavioral research, Dr. Kang shows why pushy “tiger parents” and permissive “jellyfish parents” actually hinder self-motivation. She proposes a powerful new parenting model: the intelligent, joyful, playful, highly social dolphin. Dolphin parents focus on maintaining balance in their children’s lives to gently yet authoritatively guide them toward lasting health, happiness, and success.
As the medical director for Child and Youth Mental Health community programs in Vancouver, British Columbia, Dr. Kang has witnessed firsthand the consequences of parental pressure: anxiety disorders, high stress levels, suicides, and addictions. As the mother of three children and as the daughter of immigrant parents who struggled to give their children the “best” in life—Dr. Kang’s mother could not read and her father taught her math while they drove around in his taxicab—Dr. Kang argues that often the simplest “benefits” we give our children are the most valuable. By trusting our deepest intuitions about what is best for our kids, we will in turn allow them to develop key dolphin traits to enable them to thrive in an increasingly complex world: adaptability, community-mindedness, creativity, and critical thinking.
Life is a journey through ever-changing waters, and dolphin parents know that the most valuable help we can give our children is to assist them in developing their own inner compass. Combining irrefutable science with unforgettable real-life stories, The Dolphin Way walks readers through Dr. Kang’s four-part method for cultivating self-motivation. The book makes a powerful case that we are not forced to choose between being permissive or controlling. The third option—the option that will prepare our kids for success in a future that will require adaptability—is the dolphin way.
- Sales Rank: #578627 in Books
- Published on: 2014-05-01
- Released on: 2014-05-01
- Original language: English
- Number of items: 1
- Dimensions: 9.38" h x 1.25" w x 6.38" l, 1.00 pounds
- Binding: Hardcover
- 352 pages
Review
“The perception of today’s parents as micromanagers who steal all the oxygen is often correct, and as the research trickles in, we are seeing a generation of kids who are lacking internal control. Award-winning physician Kang shows parents how these kids—likened to tiger cubs—are 'increasingly dependent on external rewards to stay motivated' and how parents are turning their cubs into the 'overworked, middle-aged.' Kang views this tiger style as 'under parenting' that includes too much 'pushing, pulling, directing, instructing, scheduling, and monitoring.' Seeking to right the scales, the author shows parents how to develop skills such as creativity, critical thinking, communication, and collaboration—what she calls the CQ, or cognitive quotient. By encouraging parents to model dolphins, who instruct by play, exploration, social bonds, altruism, contribution, and family and community values, kids will strengthen their own internal compass and have a stronger core with a greater chance at personal success and happiness. Combining scientific research with personal stories, Kang has a soothing and encouraging tone that will appeal to many readers.”
—Library Journal (STARRED REVIEW)
“With insight, professional expertise and unfailing instinct, Dr. Shimi Kang provides essential guidance in restoring sanity to 21st Century parenting. Compassionate to parent and child, loving and reasoned in its approach, The Self-Motivated Kid is highly readable, emotionally nurturing and intellectually satisfying.
—Gabor Maté, M.D., co-author of Hold On To Your Kids: Why Parents Need To Matter More Than Peers
“If you're looking for effective but practical strategies to calm the chaos in your kids' lives, foster their internal motivation and truly prepare them to function successfully in the adult work - read this book! Using concrete evidence, Dr. Kang shows why “Tiger” approaches to parenting do more harm than good. Her Dolphin approach will have you and your kids cheering. Highly recommended!”
—Amy McCready, Founder of PositiveParentingSolutions.com and author of If I Have to Tell You One More Time...The Revolutionary Program That Gets Your Kids to Listen Without Nagging, Reminding or Yelling
"In The Self-Motivated Kid, Dr. Shimi Kang writes insightfully of the real lives of parents, weaving science with spirit, and embedding highly practical suggestions into every chapter. I highly recommend this book!"
—Michael Gurian, author of The Wonder of Boys and The Wonder of Girls
“Ready to give your kids back their childhood—the part YOU loved? The joy? The creativity? The afternoons you still remember with such longing? If you're driving your kid to the lessons neither of you likes, instead of giving yourselves BOTH a chance to relax, play or just ‘waste’ time, it's time to turn around the car. This book is your U-turn to joy.”
—Lenore Skenazy, author of the book and founder of the blog Free-Range Kids
"The Self-Motivated Kid is an excellent parenting tool to implement in our daily life to help guide our children to be happy and healthy. She focus on adaptability and uses fantastic resources and examples from her own experience to solidify her case. An excellent read through and through. The Self-Motivated Kid is a parenting guide that every home should own."
—Working Mommy Journal
"I think this is a fantastic book to revolutionize your parenting approach."
—Along Came Kids
"Dr. Kang gives us a lot to think about. It’s a good read, with eye-opening examples and many practical suggestions for incorporating some of this thinking into your own life. The Self-Motivated Kid offers a roadmap for finding a little more balance in the way we parent, so that we can help our children become happy, successful, independent, and self-motivated adults."
—Daniela Duriavig, Life Over Easy
"I want you to read The Self-Motivated Kid. Unlike trendy books, I believe that it’s here for the long-run. It’s not a formula or a recipe or a how-to parent, but rather a roadmap for helping our children achieve a lifetime of happiness and fulfillment. And really, what more do we want as parents?"
—Mara Shapiro, Be Nice Or Leave Thanks
"This book conveys a lot of information and prompts considerable self-reflection. I found it a very worthwhile read. In addition to the prescriptions, there are lots of great quotations, helpful acronyms and checklists in this book. And beyond prompting parents to assess whether they’re happy with the way they’re parenting (and if not, to make some changes), it also provides a bit of a road map to help each of us find a little more balance in lives."
—Out and About with the GeoKs
"This book really opened my eyes to the idea that balance in parenting is as important as balance in life. Dr Kang uses evidence based research to make her points about the importance of being an authoritative parent. I feel like this book has made me understand much better the kind of parent that I want to be and I know that it will very dog-eared from all my referencing as my son grows up."
—Emma Finlayson, Savvy Mom
"I would be shocked if this book did not make almost any parents take a long, hard look at themselves and their schedule and the life they are leading and ask some very hard questions. What I can only hope is that parents will implement the answers."
—MBA Mama Musings
"If you were to pick just one book on parenting this year, I would recommend The Self-Motivated Kid."
—Motherless Moments
About the Author
Shimi Kang, M.D., is the medical director for Child and Youth Mental Health for Vancouver and a clinical associate professor at the University of British Columbia. Dr. Kang has helped hundred of children, adolescents, and parents move toward positive behaviors and better mental health.
Most helpful customer reviews
5 of 5 people found the following review helpful.
"Look deep into nature, and then you will understand everything better."
By Mina
An illuminating read on the challenges of parenting in the twenty-first century, the limits of the "tiger" model (Battle Hymn of the Tiger Model by Amy Chua), and the opportunities offered by a parenting style inspired to one of the most wonderfully adaptable, self-reliant and socially connected creatures on earth: dolphins.
In her memoir, Battle Hymn Of The Tiger Mom (Penguin Press, 2011), Yale professor Amy Chua, recorded her personal experience as a mother and the challenges she had to face raising her two daughters. Coming from a strict Chinese family, Chua received a very tough education ('no good grades in school, no toys, no playdates, no boyfriends' kind of upbringing): according to the law professor, her parents' demanding and restrictive strategy was the best gift anybody ever gave to her and she admittedly tried to raise her kids in the same way (without apparent success with one of her daughters, tough). The authoritarian brand of parenting made famous by Chua's provocative memoir proudly excludes playing, choices, even bathroom breaks during piano practice. Her book stirred quite a controversy among critics and readers. Although not intended as a parenting guide, she strongly asserted her point of view about education in this country: "I do believe that we in America can ask more of children than we typically do, and they will not only respond to the challenge, but thrive."
The cultural divide between Western and traditional Chinese parents is as wide as the geographical distance separating them: while we try to respect our children's individuality encouraging them to pursue their own passions and providing a nurturing environment, in many eastern cultures parents believe that the best way to protect their children is preparing them for the future with strict rules and strong work habits. I am a strong supporter of the idea that virtue lies in the middle, not in the extremes.
As a Harvard-trained psychiatrist, researcher, and co-founder of the Youth Culture and Mental Health Fund for the BC Mental Health Foundation, Shimi Kang, M.D. has worked with thousands of people dealing with stress, family conflicts, work-life balance, depression, anxiety, addictions, psychosis, and suicidal thoughts: drawing from her range of expertise and experience, and in response to Chua's brutally honest story of extreme parenting, her guide, The Dolphin Way, argues that motivation as an external imposition doesn't bring lasting results. Chua's "tiger" parenting style (yelling, bribing, punishing) kills self-motivation:
"Pushing, hovering, demanding, and cajoling may get results when tasks are simple, but when tasks become complex, involve creativity, and require critical thinking, these external motivators work poorly. Carrots and sticks can't replace autonomy, mastery, and purpose as the foundation of self-motivation, pleasure, and joy."
And so does the opposite:
"When we motivate via toys, money, or too much praise, we also take away the chance for internal rewards - that amazing dose of dopamine that keeps us feeling happy."
At best, the "tiger" parenting focuses on mastery alone and it works only when the child finds the activity imposed by her/his parents to be important enough for her/him to master it. And even when children of "tiger" parents bolt out of the gates, so to speak, they do it only because of external pressure and will be often passed over by those who experienced a more relaxed approach to academics and extracurricular activities. The "tiger" kids will underperform in the real world; they will more likely develop addictions, self-harm habits, and suicidal tendencies. Action based on external motivation will last only as long as the external pressure, reward, punishing are in place. On the other end of the parenting spectrum, the permissive style (the "jellyfish") will breed irresponsible and impulsive kids, poor relation skills, no respect for authority, poor school/work performance, and risky behaviors. The risks of parenting with an excess of control and micro-managing, or complete lack of guidance, are enormous. Both models destroy curiosity, the very roots of self-motivation.
"I think, at a child's birth, if a mother could ask a fairy godmother to endow it with the most useful gift, that gift should be curiosity", Eleanor Roosevelt used to say. I couldn't agree more with her. Curiosity is linked to our brain's dopamine reward system and fuels our self-motivation for learning: when we look at the world with curiosity, we stop judging and simply engage our thinking brain to observe and interact.
The dolphin-way appears to be the perfect balance between the authoritarian parenting model (the "tiger"), and the permissive style (the "jellyfish"). Dolphins, with all their attributes and qualities, are a powerful metaphor for a successful parenting: they display qualities of intelligence, creativity, learning, communication, and social connection, all traits necessary to fare with success in the shift age. They are social creatures, living and traveling in pods. They teach their young through role modeling, play. and guidance. They're the most altruistic and collaborative animal species, with a brain size second only to humans. The dolphin parenting model is about guiding rather instructing, teaching by example, emphasizing the importance of play, exploration, social bonds, and community values, rather than competition and isolation. All these positive traits are natural to human parenting, but we have lost connection with them because of our imbalanced, over-competing, over-achieving lifestyle.
With a parenting style modeled on the dolphin behavior, discipline is assertive and positive, not restrictive; supportive, not punishing or dismissing. Dolphin parents are clear authority figures (not friends, or personal assistants, helicopters, slaves, drivers) that establisheclear rules and guidelines while responding to the emotional needs of a child. Kang's book offers numerous and practical examples of "dolphin" inspired approaches and communication strategies.
Unlike many other parenting books, The Dolphin Way offers guidance, not instruction, in a perfect dolphin-parenting way: it doesn't add any more tasks to a parent's to-do list. It actually helps eliminate some, clearly illustrating the multiple benefits of such a model:
- being warm and responsive helps children form secure attachments and protects them from internalizing issues such as depression and anxiety
- enforcing limits decreases the chance children will engage in acting out self-destructive behaviors (aggression, interpersonal conflict, drug and alcohol abuse)
- communicating about thoughts and feelings strengthens children's empathy, emotional regulation, and relationship skills
- showing understanding for academic struggles helps children become better problem solvers and learners
- encouraging independence helps children develop self-reliance, a desire to help others, and better emotional health
To use Albert Einstein's words, "look deep into nature, and then you will understand everything better."
3 of 3 people found the following review helpful.
in defense of Lego...
By Angeliki
I wasn't at all impressed with the 'viewpoint' of the author, even though I do agree with the concept of nor over-loading our kids and taking a 'dolphin like' approach to parenting. I will stick to the intro, because it gives (as an intro should) a good preview of the mind-set of the author; in this case I find it a bit dogmatic. She begins the book by telling the story of the day it dawned on her that her son would be happier playing freely than playing the piano (they never went to piano again... that I find to bit extreme, especially since she later claims she would like her children to appreciate music... mix messages, to say the least). This incident is followed by a trip to a toy store where she is disillusioned by the way Lego has evolved (i.e. it's no longer a box with colorful bricks but rather Lego come in different themed sets). Her take on Lego is so skewed and narrow-minded and it unfortunately follows suite with the rest of the intro (I couldn't read page to page the rest of the book, it lost me) Lego, she decided, is no longer about imagination and creativity. She bases that on the difficulty she, her 6 yr old and husband had with following the complicated instructions. Her outlook did not allow her to consider that following these complicated instructions builds a different set of skills, such as persistence and understanding how things are made; that step by step is the only way to go, from the ground up, the sense of accomplishment, that practice matters; And crucially that once you are done building based upon the instructions you are free to create! And kids, as well as adults DO create amazing structures, machines, whole worlds with today's diverse Lego sets. It s magical! or rather, i CAN be and it should be if you allow your IMAGINATION to take place, and suspend judgement for anything that is not 'as good as it used to be'. So she concludes that it'd be better if she let her kid out in the garden to dig up worms... ((Which is fun. But it's not comparable to Lego building). And i think this viewpoint provides an good example for her overall world-view: Just like with Lego she romanticizes the old ways of her parents' as well as her carefree childhood in a way that feels forced and simplistic.
However, if you are a new parents who has never thought about parenting, who feels under pressure to 'perform' in your new role, and are basically clueless about it, it could give some food for thought, and an alternative to the 'tiger way' (what's up with these animal metaphors anyway!?). But be open-minded, or at least critical while reading an opinionated piece (this, or any other piece).
I should say that i m not your 'average reader' for this kind of books (I m a developmental psychologist) since I have read many of the classics. I would say you are MUCH better off going with writers that are recognized experts on parenting and have been tested throughout the years for their solid advice and approach, such as Montessori, Piaget, Winnicott etc.
3 of 3 people found the following review helpful.
... book by any means-- The Dolphin Way reads more like a study in psychology with tips and tricks than ...
By Jordana Kujavsky
Not your typical parenting book by any means-- The Dolphin Way reads more like a study in psychology with tips and tricks than your every-day-run-of-the-mill "self-help book". While some of her advice and focus is more applicable to different age groups than where I am as a parent at the moment (a toddler and one in-utero vs. school-aged kids), much of Kang's insight and guidance is fascinating and really "clicks" for every day behaviours and habits.
Kang reminds us that we all know the secret to parenting. There is no one way to parent properly, but we have to listen to our intuition rather than forcing a "right way" on ourselves and our kids because that's what everyone else is doing. We need to remember to act not out of fear and the need to control, but rather based on guidance and showing our kids what they need to "figure it out". If you've ever taken a basic psych course and learned about Maslow's hierarchy of needs, that's what we're talking about here: self-motivation and self-actualization for vitality.
If you're looking for a new perspective on parenting that serves as more of a reminder than of a to-do list that makes you feel guilty about your parenting, then I highly recommend this book.
Note: I received an Advanced Reader's Copy of this book from the publisher in exchange for a fair and honest review.
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